What do you do when your gf/bf cheats on you?

tumblr_lcod1hcqpc1qbzicso1_500_large
(c. Tumblr)

What do you do when your gf/bf cheats on you?

LcKjazKca: Your world has come crashing down. The emotional rug has been pulled out from underneath you, without closure. Finding out that your significant other hasn’t thought of you as significant as you have, is probably the worst feeling ever. The trust, memories and affection that’s been built up over the time now means nothing.

But before jumping to any irrational conclusions, first figure out if he/she really cheated or not. Get clear confirmation through mutual friends. When the cruel but inevitable news becomes truth, well, it’s time to end the relationship. It’s time to breakup.

Over the course of your relationship, many of your small, daily habits would have his/her scent left on them. The good morning texts that woke you up every morning, small walks together down the hallway between classes, and the weekend strolls you took together through the city are now all missing. So try to fill up these gaps with new hobbies, and new people! Learn how to cook. Hit the gym. Say hi to that one person you always see in class, but never struck up a conversation with. It’s easier said than done, of course, but it gets better everyday.

Keep in mind, a relationship doesn’t end when you keep grudges, jealousies, or regrets towards your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. Negative emotions are still emotions. A relationship ends when indifference is the only emotion you have towards him/her.

 

Here are three important points to remember in the process of a breakup.

  1. No contact!

Try to cut all connections that you had with your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. Unfollow/block them on social media, get rid of mementos of your relationship, and avoid opportunities to meet him/her. This will give you some time and space to reconsider things that happen in your relationship, and ultimately yourself.

  1. Realize that you’re not alone

Surround yourself with people who genuinely care about you. Family members and friends are always there to support you and love you. Spend more time with these people to keep your mind off of your ex.

  1. Stop putting him/her on the pedestal

Acknowledge that he/she wasn’t perfect for you. This step is to avoid delving into regrets and “what if’s”. Start highlighting your own attributes to realize the things you did to make the relationship work out!

 

Last of all, don’t forget that the fact that your significant other cheated on you is NEVER a bad reflection of you. Relationships are always mutual. It was his/her decision to put behind everything you two had together, and walk out. The pain of betrayal you’re feeling right now shows that you’re a person who can prioritize another person before yourself. It shows how much you care.

Things will get better! So breathe deeply. You are worthy of love and you will one day be happy and fulfilled again. You were whole before; and you can be whole again. You’re an amazing person, so keep your head high up, and look ahead.


tumblr_inline_n3rg12VVbE1riwpmj: As much as it’s difficult to think rationally in such situations, it’s important to understand that what you consider to be cheating might not actually be cheating.

Were you two in an exclusive relationship? Maybe it was just a one-sided affection?

If you’re blaming your boyfriend/girlfriend for cheating after discovering a frivolous Kakaotalk notification or an unproven rumor, close this article, sort it out with your partner, and learn to become more accepting in a relationship. Don’t blind yourself with jealousy and over-assumptions.

If you two were truly committed to each other and proof does arise that your partner did indeed cheat on you, well, that’s when you should read the rest of this column.

You don’t do much when your beloved really does cheat on you. You only forgive and forget. Someone who cheats once is likely to cheat again, and unless you’re willing to withstand his/her affairs numerous more times, it’s time to cut him/her off. Feelings of betrayal and shock at how trivial your relationship was will probably drown you in despondency. But know that it’s a matter of time before you mend and erase your cheating ex from not only your mind, but also from your heart. Why waste your energy dragging back home a dump of garbage when it’s conveniently walked out the door for you? Don’t say your goodbyes through a cordial text message or phone call, but meet face-to-face. Hear what he or she also has to say, and make sure you properly articulate everything that you need to address, from why you’re ending the relationship and what he or she has done wrong.

But if you’re still hopeful and eager to give your boyfriend or girlfriend another chance, the first thing to do would be to have a private conversation. Maybe you two can decide on taking a break, which enables some couples to get back together to a more durable relationship… slightly unlikely though. However, the time-out will be a good opportunity for you to wonder if you really should give your boyfriend or girlfriend another chance.

In both cases though, make sure you don’t become the same foul person that your companion decided to become. Don’t go around spreading rumors or talking badly about them, because at the end, the two of you shared memories that will be remember whether you like it or not. Others will too. Don’t you want your partner, or ex-partner, to be well-respected, since at the end, he or she also partially determines your value? Just some things to consider…

– The Blueprint Advice Team

*If you have any questions about friends, relationships, life, or just anything, email us at blueprint@kis.or.kr and we’ll answer them in the next column!

Header: Imgkid

What do you do when you like a friend as more than a friend?

“Nah, he’s/she’s just a friend…”

(Sure…)

16567540073_e0411052e7_o
(c. Jamine Kang ’16)

What do you do when you like your friend as more than a friend?

LcKjazKca:

Notes on someone more than a friend

You’ve been friends with him/her for who knows how long. The two of you know each other deeply, and both acknowledge the depth of your relationship. But she looks different today. Is it her hair? Nah, it’s the same as before. Did she get new clothes? New makeup maybe? You continue to make vain attempts to point out something that is making her look different.

Well, maybe it isn’t her. Maybe it’s you who changed after all. You’re feeling something more towards her.

It sucks to be stuck between zero and one, between “just friends” and something more. It’s quite a confusing feeling, as your relationship has just now entered a grey area. When you’re in this dilemma, note that you must tread carefully. Before anything, try to get a good grasp on your own feelings first. Give yourself some time to reconsider your relationship with him/her, and understand your own thoughts. Do you really need to turn your friendship into romance? What would be the consequences of doing so? How would he/she react? Do I really like him/her? Make sure that it’s really love and affection, not a small crush that lasts only a few days.

The important thing is to figure out what is more important: your feelings or your friendship. When you try to further your relationship into a romantic interest, it’s pretty much guaranteed that there will be no going back into a comfortable friendship. When the romantic relationship doesn’t necessarily work out the way you wanted to, the friendship will also be lost, and may just be plain awkward. Be aware of these potential consequences.

But if he/she is really worth giving a shot at, if revealing your feelings is more important than hiding them, begin by trying to be conscious of his/her words, body language, and attitude when you’re with him/her. Test the waters by starting to try out things you two haven’t done before, and spend more time together.

If it feels it’s the right time, meet him/her face to face to tell him/her how you’ve felt all along. If your friend returns your feelings, well, congratulations! But even if your friend doesn’t feel the same way you do, you know that you’ve been truthful to yourself, and both of you now know how each other feels.

Your friend must be an amazing person if you’re feeling that way to him/her. But always remember that before anything, it’s you who must be happy. Make the decision that will make you feel genuine to yourself.

Best of luck.


tumblr_inline_n3rg12VVbE1riwpmj: So, I’m going to assume that you’re falling for your friend and you don’t know what to do. It isn’t a rare phenomenon, developing greater feelings for your friend. The more you spend time with your friend, and the more you disclose personal information to your friend, the more likely one of you two is going to perceive one another as more than a friend.

But to be completely honest, I think it’s a terrible idea to chase after your friend. If chemistry sparks between you two and things begin to take a step further, the “what if’s” will dominate your relationship before you know it. And keep in mind that when the relationship works out, but eventually comes to an end, it won’t be the only thing that breaks apart – your friendship will also be on the line. Of course, a myriad of factors can bring about different results. I’m just throwing out a possibility here.

Yet, don’t we all make disastrous decisions once in a while? The “what if’s” exist to falter hopes, but the ‘maybes’ will foster your imagination and urge you to aim a goal at your friend. As risky as it is, giving it a go will keep you from having regrets in the future. If you can’t stand remaining as awkward friends, give it a go.

 

First, start by observing your friend a bit closer. See if he or she is also sharing the same feelings as you are. Flirt around a bit; it won’t hurt. Meet more regularly, spend time doing activities that you guys usually didn’t do. Make memories, experiences that both of you won’t be able to forget.

If your friend’s on the same page as you and cherishes you the same way, there’s no need for further advice. On the other hand, though, if you aren’t getting the same vibes, it’s time to maintain what you’ve got. Rather than aiming high and losing everything (aka your friendship), it would be a more comfortable ordeal for not only your friend, but also for yourself, to accept your friend as just a friend.

 Don’t worry about how awkward it’ll be after you chase after your friend. Give it your best shot, but restrain yourself from overdoing anything. In the end, I’m pretty certain that you won’t have any regrets about giving your friend a go. At least you would be able to determine where you two will stand in the future – probably one that’s stable and includes both of you.

For now, try to look at your situation from the bigger view and weigh the pros and cons. Whatever I ramble on about is merely advice. You make the final decision.

– The Blueprint Advice Team

*If you have any questions about friends, relationships, life, or just anything, email us at blueprint@kis.or.kr and we’ll answer them in the next column!

Header: Jamine Kang (’16)

What do you do when you catch your friend back talking about you?

“I hate the way she talks like a brat.”
“Why does she only hang out with guys?”

…And the vicious remarks go on and on …and on.

la foto

What do you do when you catch your friend back talking about you?

LcKjazKca: Ouch. This one hurts a lot. Finding out a friend spreading rumors or secrets about you is probably one of the worst feelings ever. It’s horrible to catch someone you trusted being toxic. It sucks because you can’t look at them the way you did before. You can’t tell if their smiles, gestures, and eyes are really the ones that you used to know. You can’t look back into past conversations and times you spent with him/her without painful doubt.

Then you ask yourself, “When did all this even start?”

As difficult as it sounds, begin by trying not to assume anything. Don’t let yourself jump to conclusions, starting the never ending cycle of overthinking. Who knows? There really might be something that you’ve been doing wrong. Your friend’s words, although not directed at you, can be an opportunity for you to set things in perspective.

If you think the relationship between you and your friend is worth more than the risks and the uncomfortable hiccups of confrontation, openly and honestly talk to him/her about it. If he/she is a genuine friend of yours, he/she will respond well. Try finding a time and place where you can talk to your friend privately.

When you do meet up with the friend, make sure to use lots of “I” statements to directly show your own feelings, without beating around the bush. For example: “I feel uncomfortable when you _______.” “I was sad when I heard you _______.”

Talk things out rationally and maturely to find the roots of the problem. Both of you need to clearly communicate what one other thought and felt from this incident.

But at the end of the day, it’s you who decides whether the friendship continues or not. Was it a simple misunderstanding? Did he/she apologize genuinely? Was it his/her first offense? Balance out self-respect and care for your friend in making the final call to your relationship. Remember that you have to be the one happy with this decision!

The closer a friend is to you, well, he/she is in a better position to hurt you. So don’t forget what it means for your friend when he/she opens up vulnerabilities and insecurities to you. You’re someone special to that person.


tumblr_inline_n3rg12VVbE1riwpmj: Personally, I went through this one way too often. The two typical scenarios I found myself with were 1) catching my friend casually discussing my flaws and 2) catching my friend straight out spreading rumors and labeling me. Now, what you should do varies immensely depending on which scenario you’re facing.

Case 1. Backtalks

“I hate the way she talks like a brat.”

“Why does she only hang out with guys?”

…And the vicious remarks go on and on …and on. The casual flaws that my friends slurred around hurt more than any other unreasonable rumors or swears I heard. It was a more direct stab in the back. You may ask, why would they go behind my back to complain about my personality, my lifestyle, or even my physical appearance, when they could simply confront me face to face?

See, their lack of courage to discuss this in person is the reason why you shouldn’t react the same way they did. Instead, gather your valiant guts and talk to them. If you don’t have the courage to confront them face to face, give them a call or text them if you must.

As much as you’re angry, try not to be the aggressive one. Ask them if you’ve been bothering them in any way and listen to what they have to say. Honestly, what your friend was speaking about without you knowing might have been a legitimate flaw, a quality that you can fix or improve on. Accept it and react maturely. But tell the good friend of yours that next time, he or she should direct the hurtful remarks to you and not to anyone else.

Case 2. Rumors

“Did you know that she ____.”

“Oh my goodness, she’s such a *****.”

…And the rumors spread, and I became a packaged, labeled product by the moment. Honestly, it’s unacceptable for friends to back talk or spread rumors in any way. The most ideal way to react to this one would be to pretend like you haven’t heard anything. Ignore and forget. But also ignore and forget your friend. He or she’s not a friend once they have went behind your back to judge and wreck you.

Most probably, if you continue to ignore the rumors and take care of yourself, get your things done, and keep high standards, the rumors will subside. If you really didn’t do anything wrong, you have no reason to remain conscious about what your friend chattered about.

Eventually, your friend might come up to you and ask, “Why aren’t we hanging out these days? What’s up?” or something of that sort. Then, you have every right to say, “You probably know the reason more than I do.”

But before making any hurried decisions, consider how much your friend meant to you, whether or not the rumors are true or your friend actually spread the rumors in the first place, if your friendship can carry on even after this incident, and how your friend will regain your trust. My point: be rational and keep your cool.

Best of luck.

– The Blueprint Advice Team

*If you have any questions about friends, relationships, life, or just anything, email us at blueprint@kis.or.kr and we’ll answer them in the next column!

Header: Irene Jung (’16)

What do you do when you’ve grown apart from your friend?

“What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do?”

16811103642_aa7bbc39c0_o
Irene Jung (’16)

What do you do when you’ve grown apart from your friend?

LcKjazKcaNotes on friends drifting away:

Everyday, I meet lots of bodies, high-fives, quick smiles, and smalltalk. But you are, well, used to be, something different. A friend.

It’s sad that he/she is slowly becoming someone I don’t know. Desperately skimming through surfaces of old conversations, I try to pretend that the discontinuance is the momentary, necessary silence that friendships often go through. Somehow, I manage to find ways to avoid him/her while secretly wanting to approach him/her. I wish I had something to blame the disconnection on. That would make it a lot easier. But it’s no one’s fault. It’s not mine. It’s not their’s. It’s no one’s. Some things just happen.

But try to take a step back, and see what you might have done wrong to the relationship. It’s never easy to admit fault in yourself, but it’s always a good first step to make, since relationships are mutual. Don’t overthink to the point of feeling guilt though – that’s never healthy.

Make yourself more available to that person. Let him or her know that you are willing to open yourself up for conversation. Eventually one of you will need the courage to reach out, and the other will need the courage to respond.

But sometimes you will have to accept that it’s time to let go. Accept that your friend might be at a different emotional place. People change. Situations change. You and I change. It’s going to be like swallowing down thick, bitter cough syrup: disgusting, but healthy for you at the end of the day.

I’ve seen a lot of people fade away from the corner my eye. I hope that doesn’t happen with you.


tumblr_inline_n3rg12VVbE1riwpmj: Is your friend hanging out with someone new that’s not you? Are you both just too busy with schoolwork and lacking the time to interact? Perhaps, maybe one of you is holding a grudge? Well, whatever the reason may be for your friend drifting away, it’s a slow and conspicuous process. You’ll hear your conversations growing awkward and feel the atmosphere becoming tense. It’s hard.

But there are ways to reverse what happened, or what didn’t happen. The most reasonable thing to do would be to make an attempt to return to normality by remaining normal. Maybe it’s a passing phase. Remaining calm rather than growing obsessive towards the slight drift, will help your friend feel more welcome to return. If your friendship was a genuine one, your friend will come back when they can. Let time pass, but if your friend still doesn’t show the slightest interest in rebuilding your relationship, it’s time for you to take initiative. Fire up your Kakaotalk, start a casual conversation, ask your friend to hang out over the weekend or cafe study on the weekdays, and make an attempt to meet, talk, and communicate with your swaying friend.

If all else fails, I hate to advise this, but let your friend go. If you made an obvious attempt to want to grow close again and showed your friend how sincere you are about your friendship, you have done enough. If your friend showed such little respect to you, not only as a companion, but also as a person, it’s a clear sign that he or she is worth just that. You don’t have to be moping and contemplating on someone who refuses to spend the minimum amount of time with you. You shouldn’t be. You probably deserve better.

I know it’s not as easy as it sounds to let a heartwarming friend drift away. Yet, in the future, you’ll ponder back to today and tell yourself that you made the right choice. Of course, that is, after you gave your friendship a final try.

– The Blueprint Advice Team

*If you have any questions about friends, relationships, life, or just anything, email us at blueprint@kis.or.kr and we’ll answer them in the next column!

Header: Irene Jung (’16)